Dr. Ramani Durvasula | The Mind Society

Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Narcissism

Narcissism has become one of the most casually used psychological labels in pop culture today. It is often the word we reach for when someone hurts us, disappoints us, or behaves in a way that feels selfish or cruel. A conflict happens, a boundary is crossed, and the verdict is swift: “They’re a narcissist.” But what if our certainty is misplaced? What does narcissism actually mean, and how often do we confuse a complex psychological pattern with everyday human flaws? According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the reality of narcissism is far more nuanced and far more consequential than the label suggests. It's not simply selfish behavior or a bad moment it is a pervasive personality style marked by entitlement, lack of empathy, and a drive for power and control. When the word is used loosely, it obscures the reality of what people in narcissistic relationships are actually experiencing and why those dynamics are so difficult to escape. Dr. Ramani explains that narcissism exists on a spectrum. On the milder end are individuals who display irritating yet relatively low-level traits, such as self-absorption, conversation hijacking, and emotional immaturity. More commonly, however, narcissism appears in a moderate form, marked by a confusing mix of good days and deeply volatile ones. In these cases, emotional dysregulation often emerges when admiration is withheld, boundaries are set, or the individual feels inconvenienced, challenged, or frustrated. At the more severe end of the spectrum, narcissism is characterized by patterns of control, isolation, and intimidation, often embedded within dynamics that can become emotionally or psychologically dangerous.

To better navigate these types of individuals, Dr. Ramani explains that narcissistic people do not truly change across contexts. They lack sustained self-reflection and do not integrate empathy in a way that supports accountability. When behavioral shifts appear, they are typically strategic rather than genuine. A central tactic discussed during our conversation is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a method of power and control in which one person distorts another's reality to dominate a narrative and erode self-trust. Anything you bring to them may be reframed or denied, leaving you doubting your own perception, memory, and judgment. Because gaslighting is about control rather than truth, trying to win these conversations only deepens the imbalance. The most protective response is recognizing the pattern and disengaging rather than seeking validation from someone invested in denying your reality.

"Gaslighting is not about truth or facts; it’s about power and control."

Many of us find ourselves in vulnerable relationships with narcissistic individuals at various levels, whether as spouses, romantic partners, family members, or friends. Leaving these dynamics can be difficult, and in some cases, not immediately possible. In our conversation, Dr. Ramani and I explore strategies for discerning when to leave, when to stay, and if staying, how to navigate the relationship more safely and realistically. We also discuss what to expect and what to be mindful of after separating from a narcissistic individual. Dr. Ramani powerfully notes, "Narcissistic relationships hollow people out, and healing is the slow, powerful work of remembering who you are." Reclaiming your identity is a vital step in recovery, and this conversation offers many more insights for anyone seeking clarity, validation, and hope. Click the link or hit play below to listen.

Recorded November 2023.